


Patton's Dating Services

by SleeplessInGeneral



Series: Patton's Dating Services [2]
Category: Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders
Genre: Logan is getting a masters degree, M/M, Patton is a kindergarten teacher, Roman is a singing waiter and auditions whenever he can, Virgil is a librarian but only on weekdays, just mostly fluff, lots of self projection in Patton
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-03-09
Packaged: 2019-03-27 02:05:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13870806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleeplessInGeneral/pseuds/SleeplessInGeneral
Summary: "Look, let me present you with the problem.""You're starting to sound freakishly like Logan –""You, Virgil, are a cactus."--In which Roman and Virgil go to Patton for dating advice.





	1. Chapter One: The Rose and The Cactus

**Author's Note:**

> This fic started by me considering myself tagged in my wife's tumblr post. She asked for a Sanders sides fanfic with any pairing, inspired by the song "Bewitched" from the movie The History Boys. It took me five seconds of listening to the song to decide the setting, and the story just happened from it.
> 
> My beloved, when you're reading this, I love you. I'm so sorry. Hope I've done some justice to the boys. And also I'm very sorry for including the cactus joke in this, but I had to... it was impossible not to.
> 
> And for the record, some issue was pointed out to me by my wife after reading this. The movie Patton is suggesting is It. The adaptation of Stephen King's book It. Just to avoid any confusion.
> 
> And now, Allons-y!

_The very essence of romance is uncertainty._

_**\- Oscar Wilde** _

* * *

 

It was a beautifully red fall day in early October. A perfect day for hot chocolate and being outside.

Two things that were just so obviously going to happen as Patton asked Virgil to talk.

"So," Patton said with a slightly worryingly big smile. "What is it about Roman that makes you feel like it's so difficult for you to talk to him?"

"We are not seriously having this conversation right now."

"Look, Virge… I can still call you Virge, right? You haven't decided that you grew out of it yet?" Virgil grunted in approval. His best friend was… well, he just couldn't believe that this guy was his best friend. "Virge, we've been friends for the longest time. I think it's time that we had this conversation."

"Well, I don't want to have this conversation." It suddenly felt very convenient that Virgil agreed to let Patton take him to buy hot chocolate earlier.

"I'm not going to tell him anything. I promise. If it's about that, here's my promise. If it's anything else- oh, hey Logan!" Patton jumped to wave at the nerd that passed by them. Said nerd, Logan, smirked and nodded back. "Isn't Logan just great?"

"Sure, whatever you say."

Patton Beck appointed himself Virgil Sanders' best friend back in kindergarten and ever since, Virgil found that he couldn't get rid of him. He was just too sweet and loveable to get rid of. Kind of like a puppy. When applying to colleges, Patton just had to apply to the same ones as Virgil, if only to make sure that his friend actually attended his lectures – having been diagnosed with depression and anxiety at several points in his adolescence made school very difficult for Virgil – and even insisted on rooming together.

While in college, Patton tried his hardest to befriend the impossibly emotionally constipated (Patton's words) nerd Logan Lehrer the moment they got paired to do a project together for biology (Patton's fill for his science requirement), whereas Virgil immediately struck a seemingly strange rivalry against the very fanciful drama queen known as Roman Prince, which only made Patton want to befriend him too. Before anyone could say anything they'd already hung out, had Disney movie nights (a love Roman and Patton shared to a scary degree), eventually even moved into an apartment together, and it all just felt as if they'd known each other forever. Heck, they even spilled all their incredibly personal information on one particularly drunken night on Logan's twenty-third birthday.

And as if things couldn't have gotten worse than they were then… that's when Patton decided that Roman and Virgil liked each other. And maybe Virgil started to believe that a bit too.

"Look, let me present you with the problem."

"You're starting to sound freakishly like Logan –"

"You, Virgil, are a cactus."

Virgil almost dropped his cup of hot chocolate. "…what?"

"A cactus, Virgil. You know what a cactus is, don't you? That big green plant in the desert with the spikes and everything that just wants a hug but no one will hug it because of the spikes and –"

"Okay, before you start crying over cacti needing love, I'm just gonna go…"

"Oh, sorry, right. So you are a cactus. You're all thorny and tough on the outside but inside you're so sweet and gooey and just need a hug! Aww!"

Next thing he knew, Virgil was smothered in a hug.

"Couldn't you have used a better metaphor?"

"Nope! Just hug me, you little emo nightmare!" Virgil reluctantly hugged back, careful not to spill his drink. And waited. After about two minutes Patton let him go. "Great! Now… what plant metaphor can I use for Roman…?"

"Why are you asking me that?"

"He's a rose! Why of course he's a rose! So what does a cactus say to a rose…" It was then that Patton decided to pay attention to his untouched chocolate muffin, and Virgil hoped he'd have a moment of quiet from all this, when Patton jumped again. "Why hello! I noticed that you have thorns and so do I, so… no, that's not good…"

"Pattoncake, don't overwork yourself. If you can't then you –"

"How about you ask him out to go see a movie with you?" Patton had his rare devilish smile on. It was one he adopted from his brother Lionel and used only on the rarest of occasions. "I think he would love to go see 'It'."

"Patton, that's a horror movie."

"Don't underestimate Roman. He might really love it. You never know."

"…okay, I guess. Just don't use your puppy eyes on me."

"Yay! But you have to do it, otherwise you will never know what his response might be." Patton hugged Virgil again. And then his phone started to ring.

"What is it, Patton?"

"Nothing…" It was then that he put on the puppy eyes.

"Come on. You're lying to me?"

"Some kid's parent. No big deal."

"Well, go pick up."

"But it's so early in the schoolyear!"

"Patton, for once in our miserable lives you will listen to me and go answer whoever that is." Patton attempted the puppy eyes for a few seconds more before grunting in defeat and going to answer the call.

What kindergartener's parent would call on a weekend afternoon was beyond Virgil, but Patton had some strange kids in his class.

And then he saw Logan lurking nearby.

"How much of this did you hear, you moron?"

"I would say enough, if only so I won't annoy you."

"Good. Keep it this way."

As Virgil opened his phone – to read fanfiction, though he'd never admit it – he didn't notice Logan smirking and walking away, staring at his own phone.

* * *

 

"I pity you, Patton. I truly do."

Roman played with Patton's hair as Patton told him about the phone call he had earlier. It was apparently very devastating, though Roman couldn't make a thing of it.

"Yeah, well… you know, now that Virgil is off at work, can we talk about something?" Roman nodded. He definitely grew to like this puppy of a man in the time they knew each other. "You like Virgil, don't you?"

"How could you ever accuse me of liking the incredible sulk?!"

"Come on, Roman. You know he has his issues and while that does not excuse anything, he's working on them. But this isn't the thing. You like him, don't you?"

"…I guess I do." It was then when Patton started squealing. "No, please don't."

"Do we have ice cream? We totally have to talk about this over ice cream!" Patton then jumped and ran to the kitchen, getting ice cream and spoons in record time. "So… I had an idea."

"While I usually love your ideas, Watson, maybe not about this."

"No, it's a great idea! How about… you and Virgil go watch 'It' together?"

"Why 'It'?"

"I thought you like horror stuff…"

"I like some horror stuff!"

"Well, you'll be with Virgil, wouldn't you? And you'll be able to hang onto him if needed?"

"…I guess you're right. But if I can't sit there for longer than ten minutes, you owe me so much."

"And if you can, we can just agree that I won."

"Agreed." Roman stole the ice cream tub from Patton's lap. "But it's only if."

"Sure, sure." Patton let another squeal out at that moment and went back to digging into the ice cream. "So, let's talk about your last audition. How do you feel it went?"

* * *

 

The 'It' date was a definite success in Patton's book, and so he decided to celebrate with Logan when Roman didn't call him ten minutes into the movie crying that he can't do it. They ordered pizza and watched all the Disney movies they could – Patton's enthusiasm was certainly addictive – and when Virgil came back, Roman having to go to work right after the movie ended, he saw them sleeping on the couch, Patton's head on Logan's chest.

It has been three days since then and Logan decided that it might be the perfect time to execute some of his own plans.

"Hey, Patton."

"Yes Logan?" Patton pushed his glasses up his nose with one finger and gave Logan a blinding smile. It was going to be near impossible.

"Do you…" Logan's voice chose to betray him at that moment.

Well, technically it wasn't true, but spending as much time as he has with people like Roman and Patton clearly rubbed off on him in some way.

"Yes, Logan…?"

"Do you want to go see Thor: Ragnarok with me later today?"

As if Patton's smile couldn't get any wider. He actually started squealing.

"Of course, Logan! That's so sweet of you!" He jumped from his paperwork, hugged Logan and ran into the apartment's hallway, hopefully to –

"HEY ROMAN, VIRGIL, LOGAN AND I ARE GONNA GO SEE THE NEW THOR MOVIE, DO YOU WANNA JOIN?"

This was going to be a long process. But Logan was willing to put in the effort.


	2. Chapter Two: Kiss The Nerd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Roman joins the “why is Patton so oblivious” party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written on my phone. Reason being... I don’t have WiFi. So I couldn’t transfer it to my laptop, because otherwise I would have no way to upload it. And it did take me a couple days, so... I’m glad I managed to write that.
> 
> Once again, this fic is based on a prompt from my wife. Who I love a lot. And am kinda really proud of, and they know why (not really gonna mention why here, it’s not related to the fic). So with all love and respect, and a bit of just thinking about my wife while writing this chapter and being inspired by them, here is a very Roman-centric chapter!
> 
> And as always, Allons-y!

_You don’t love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear._

**_\- Oscar Wilde._ **

* * *

Roman had no idea how they’d come to this.

No, scratch that. He had all idea how they’d come to this.

It all started when, during a Steven Universe marathon with Patton, he declared that “the next thing you should do for him is to probably cook for him. Or something like that.”

“Well, that would work, but -“

“Let’s bake cookies!” Of course. The man would always find an excuse for cookies. And maybe he was right.

“Of course, cookies!”

“Chocolate chip cookies. Everyone loves those.”

“Yes! And can we use the chocolate Virgil likes instead of chocolate chips?”

“Of course we can!” Patton jumped from Roman’s lap and started jumping on the couch. Indeed he was, as Virgil called it, a puppy man.

“Fantastic!” Roman smiled, stood up and grabbed the plastic sword that was on the table in front of him - part of the Halloween costume he was working on. “To the kitchen!” As Patton threw himself all over the couch, laughing, he put the sword down and went to the kitchen.

“Hey Watson, those cookies won’t make themselves, you know!”

“I’m coming, princey!”

While in the kitchen, the following few things happened. Patton pulled out a recipe, Roman put on music (“AND THIS IS ALL IN YOUR PROGRAM, YOU ARE AT THE OPERA!” “What-“ “GONNA HAVE TO STUDY UP A LITTLE BIT IF YOU WANNA KEEP WITH THE PLOT!” “What plot?”), Patton got the chocolate...

Next thing any of them knew, Roman was screaming - louder than his music - “LOGAN, I NEED A PLASTER! NOW!”

“What the hell happened that you need a plaster?” came the faint answer from the nerd’s room.

“DONT EVEN ASK ME HOW YOU CAN CUT YOURSELF BAKING COOKIES BUT APPARENTLY PATTON CAN!”

It took Logan record time to arrive at the kitchen with the first aid kit. Patton was crying, of course he was, but Logan was just so incredibly cool and collected as he tried to calm Patton down enough and care for the cut.

“How the fuck did that happen, princey?”

“Well...” Patton decided to chop the chocolate in the food processor. As he was setting the thing up, he cut himself on the blade. The whole thing was now sitting in the sink, only slightly red, while Patton was crying in shock and fear. And maybe a little bit of pain.

“Patton, I am never giving you a knife again.” After taking care to clean the cut Logan stuck a plaster on it and gave it a kiss.

“But I’m good with a knife!”

“Patton, no. Don’t even think about it.”

“I can finish making the cookies by myself, Watson. Go rest.”

Patton gave a disappointed grunt and went back to the living room, to watch some more Steven Universe. But Logan didn’t leave. He made sure that Patton wasn’t focusing, and then went up to Roman and asked,

“Can I bake something with you?”

* * *

Logan’s brownies cheered Patton up significantly, but he was still rather oblivious to the fact that they were made under advice from himself.

And Logan was never going to tell him.

“What’s wrong with Pattoncake?” Virgil asked when he finally got back from work and was greeted with a plate of cookies and an apologetic “I made them myself, Patton accidentally hurt himself” from Roman.

“He cut himself with the food processor blade. By accident!” As if to prove a point, Roman pointed to the couch, where Logan was cooing over Patton and petting his hair, both engrossed in Chicken Run. Patton switched between rubbing his eyes, sniffling and wildly gesturing to accompany his never-ending rant about the movie. “I just hope the cookies are okay. I know it’s not Patton’s, but-“

“I bake cookies with love!” Patton screamed from the couch.

“We know, Pattoncake. We know.” Logan chuckled to himself. As if no one else heard that.

Well, at least not Patton.

“I think we all had enough kitchen for today.” Roman went to put the cookies on the kitchen table. “How about we go out for dinner tonight?”

“Can we go to the Cheesecake Factory?”

“How about we order pizza and Roman and Virgil go out alone, Patton?”

“Yeah, that works too.” And then, “but can you bring me a cheesecake?”

“Would you go to the Cheesecake Factory with me, Virgil?”

“Yeah, sure, why not.”

“Of course we can, Patton.”

* * *

The date at the Cheesecake Factory was a great one. Roman felt like he was floating on a cloud all the time. He had fun, ate well, and was in pleasant company - maybe Patton was right. He did very much like Virgil.

As they were about to kiss the moment they got home, however, that moment was cut short by Patton squealing and demanding his cheesecake.

Or, more correctly, “holy mother of pearl you guys are adorable I love you two so much! What do we call you guys? Well, it doesn’t matter now. I need your help convincing Logan that Zootopia is about cocaine.” And then he demanded his cheesecake.

“We talked about it, Patton,” Logan sighed, annoyed. “Zootopia is an animated movie.”

“But according to MatPat it’s based on the whole cocaine conspiracy thingy the government made up to ruin the black communities or something like that! I don’t remember exactly.”

“...so this is a MatPat thing?” Virgil started snorting at Logan at that moment. “Did MatPat create Zootopia, Watson?”

“Does that really matter, Sherlock? You’re the nerd! And besides, it’s just a theory! A film theory! And...”

“Hey, remember the time Patton corrected Logan on infinitesimal?”

If looks could kill, Logan’s would’ve obliterated Virgil into a million tiny pieces.

“I’m never gonna live this down, am I?”

“No, I don’t think you ever would.”

And then things just... went back to normal. The weekend was over, everyone went back to their regular business... kinda.

* * *

Roman was on schedule for tonight. He was working six till midnight, and since tonight Annie was the shift manager, he didn’t feel overly worried about overtime. Annie was an odd one, always staying behind much later to close up.

Tonight was going to be a good one, he thought, as he saw who was seated in his section.

“I’m stealing your lyrics,” he told Annie when he ran into her. She gave him two thumbs up. And then he went to the couple.

“Is it really necessary that I take your order tonight, Sherlock, Watson?” He smiled at Logan and Patton. “Or can I take a guess?”

“Ooh, please take a guess!” Patton’s smile was too big for his face. It was hard not to smile back. “See, Logan? Told you this wouldn’t be such a bad idea.”

“I’m still not sure it’s not such a bad idea.”

Roman wrote down their usuals and went to drop off the order, and then to find Annie. “I’m going to do it.”

“Good luck, Princey.” She raised her eyebrows at him and gave a little wink. And then it was on. It was Roman’s time to start singing.

“There you see her  
Sitting there across the way  
She don’t got a lot to say  
But there’s something about her...”

Roman tried to keep his eyes on his friends. He had to stay professional, of course, but... he wanted to see their reactions.

“And you don’t know why  
But you’re dying to try  
You wanna kiss the girl.”

The table he was currently next to had a young girl practically jumping in her seat at him. He blew her a kiss before continuing and started to make his relatively short way towards Patton and Logan again.

“Yes, you want her  
Look at her, you know you do  
Possible she wants you too  
There is one way to ask her  
It don’t take a word  
Not a single word  
Go on and kiss the girl.”

Annie gave him a thumbs up from the back, he could see her. Some of the others - notably Jess and Dominic - were visibly snickering where they were. Roman knew Valerie would’ve too, were she working tonight. His best friend truly shared his mind.

“Sha la la la la la  
My oh my-“ he looked directly at Patton.  
“Looks like the dork’s too shy  
Ain’t gonna kiss the nerd!”

Logan started turning visibly red. The satisfaction of seeing his work come to fruition made Roman’s smile even bigger as he turned to look at Logan.

“Sha la la la la la  
Ain’t that sad?  
Ain’t that a shame? Too bad  
He gonna miss the nerd...”

* * *

“Hey Roman!” Roman was startled as he got into the apartment. Patton was in the living room, watching Teen Titans Go and wearing his cat onesie. There was a jar of crofters on the kitchen island and no Logan in sight, so he went to put it away.

“Hey, Patton... what’s up?”

“I really liked your version to the song today! It was really-“ then Patton yawned. “Excuse me. It was really nice...”

“I think you should go to sleep, Watson.”

“But I want to keep watching-“

“Good night, Patton. Go to sleep.”

“Okay. Night!” Patton turned the tv off and started slugging to his room. Which left Roman wondering.

How could Patton stay so oblivious to one of his favorite songs?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is Halloween. Aka shenanigans. Aka tons of self projection on drunk!Patton. Please don’t ask why. It’s really weird and confusing.
> 
> Till next chapter!

**Author's Note:**

> I can't promise the next chapter would make sense to most people, or that it would come out on time really (I hope I'll be able to anyway), but... as far as I have it planned, we shall see a wild Roman in his natural habitat.
> 
> And again, my dear, I'm so sorry. I hope you understand why a lot of our jokes can't not make it into this story.
> 
> If you just wanna talk to me (or find me and not really do anything about it that would be fine too),  
> Tumblr: fluidityandgiggles


End file.
